Controlling My Destiny

Aug 24

The long 3 years that it took for me to be awarded my Green to Gold Scholarship had finally come at an end. I had accomplished something that only a small few have. I had managed to carry a burning torch, that at times almost lost its flame due to “negative Nancys”, admission denial, and scores on tests that just weren’t high enough. The feeling was one that I could never explain.

As I was scheduled to start school in the Fall of 2019, random waves of negativity flowed through my brain that made me worry constantly about how I would adapt to this new lifestyle. I remember asking myself, “Jazz, you’re 27 years old. How are you going to handle this drastic change all at once?” Life as I knew it was coming to a screeching halt and taking a turn in a direction that I was only slightly familiar with. I mean, the only thing I could compare this new experience to was high school; that was the last time I was a traditional student. And that last time, didn’t go so well for me.

The days leading up to the start of school, I reminisced about the last few years that I was a traditional student. I often thought of how distracted and unhappy I was because of the drama I involved myself in and how I constantly relied on the approval of my friends for almost EVERYTHING because I had no self-identity. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of my girlfriends. We share memories that will be hard to ever forget. But the mental preparedness I tried to do caused the feelings of loneliness and lack of self-identity to resurface.

These feelings, as well as other concerns, were in my head and honestly made me second guess my decision to traditionally earn my college degree. I don’t have some cliche answer on how I developed these proactive actions for the concerns and issues that almost made me turn my back on this decision. All I can say is that they worked for me. Even my closest friends and family didn’t know these were challenges that I faced; Well, they do now.

I don’t read and comprehend well.

Proactive Action: What really helped is that I changed my major from Nursing to History. Studying a field I actually have passion for really helps in this aspect. I collected books from thrift stores often. I bought anything that had to do with the World Wars, United States Presidents, and Black American History. I practiced reading and memorizing the information I read. I tried to do what I could to understand the context of the information by researching deeper. This was an attempt to actually gain a connection with the text. Black History was the easiest to connect with; it of course was the strongest connection I was able to build

The high school graduation requirements have been revised.

Proactive Action: I felt like this made them smarter than me. There was nothing I could purchase to fight this specific feeling of defeat. But what I did do was come to terms with it. There are very few college students that have the life experience that I have. I figured that I could take advantage of the fact that they are generally well versed on specific topics and/or subjects ( information was still “fresh” in their heads). I could learn from them, and they could definitely learn from me. Together, I seen it as “lifting as we climb.”

I was leaving an established life (e.g. a Husband, I pay my own bills, my adolescent blinders are off and have been for years)

Proactive Action: Over many conversations with my husband, discussing the same topics, he constantly reminded me that he had my back. Jalen never, not once, told me that I shouldn’t follow this specific dream. He actually had about 6 months under his belt as a Drill Sergeant at the time, a duty position he says he wanted since he joined the military. I personally believe that he was somewhat relieved by me leaving, which is fine!. It’s exhausting working 15-17 hour days and then returning home to your family who also needs your love and attention. He and I pinky-sweared that we would make the trip to see each other every time we could. We both understood that the next 2-3 years were essential for our lives after the military.

Adapting to the college environment has been challenging. But I’ve kept my proactive actions in mind. Doing so has brought me great success and most of the days are flying by.

What’s something in your near future that you are preparing for? What are some of the proactive actions you will take that will help you thoroughly fulfill your purpose?