Love @ a Distance

Sep 7

Throughout our nearly 5 year relationship, this time around is what I would consider our fourth time being separated from each other for an extended period. As I reflect on how we managed our relationship and marriage, I find that the first time wasn’t as tough as it seems to be now. I have to remind myself that our reasons for being separated are going to ensure a better future for our family. And, I have to admit, sometimes that’s not always enough for me; I miss my little family, HaHa. I’m thankful that I can give him a call or send him the heart eyes emoji to let him know that I’m thinking of him. Him a Drill Sergeant and I a full-time student; we both realize that these aren’t the worst of situations we have been in, considering prior circumstances and our occupations.

There are 3 things I try and keep in mind when it comes to the survival of the relationship and connection I have with my spouse, at a distance especially.

1. Communication.

You guessed it, and you shouldn’t be surprised that communication is at the top of the list. No matter the relationship, communication is important. But in an intimate relationship, I realized that it’s important for the both of us to work to master this. No, by communicating I don’t mean talking on the phone, texting, or on Facetime all day. Communication is more than words. Communication is the genuine delivery of those words and what they stand for; it’s also actions that speak louder than a word ever could. Think about it. Is it a random delivery of flowers for your partner? An intense conversation about the goals for your family and the future?

2. Love The Way They Want.

My spouse and I went on a marriage retreat a few years ago. We had workshops with the instructor and other couples in the mornings and then the rest of the day we were generally able to go about the town and spend time together; it was a great time. The meetings revolved around readings from the book The 5 Love Languages. I’d heard about the book before, but I had never taken the time to read it. Long, long, long story short, I’m glad we were introduced to it through this retreat. We learned that we had been filling each other's “love tank” in the ways that we, ourselves, wanted to be loved; which is a natural action. He was loving me the way he wanted to be loved and vice versa. Yeah, in a way that worked, but the ways we were loving each other wasn’t in the number one way we wanted to be loved. It was like an “Aha” moment. The good thing about the love languages is that most of them can still be done at a distance.

3. Arguing is Healthy.

Argue, converse, and resolve. I work hard to mind my tone, volume, and word choice. I try to take time to calm down and gather my thoughts. Doing so has helped me to prevent from saying ignorant things I’ll regret later. Gathering thoughts and sometimes writing things down; list the issues and emotions felt during the heat of the incident. I’ve learned over time that it’s important to listen to understand instead of listening to respond. I remind myself to take a step back and realize that it’s not us against each other, it’s us against the issue or cirumstance. Understanding that will help to come to an agreement a lot sooner. I feel like there is something in the mind that clicks when you recognize that you both are on the same team.

Let no one tell you building and sustaining a healthy relationship is easy, whether it be at a distance or not it requires work. Love each other with intent, and it’ll be easiest “work” you’ll ever do.